The Journal of Wishful Thinking

The greatest scientific book ever written

Today we have a guest post co-authored by two very well respected writers from the scientific, evidence-based end of breast cancer research. Ronaldo Hugo, editor of ‘The Journal of Wishful Thinking’ is joined here by hard hitting social commentator, Dandelion, who you first met here with Rachel, on Cancer Culture Chronicles and have of course met with us in ‘The Alternative Orthodoxy’.

After a breast cancer diagnosis, an early casualty in many people’s decisions about ‘what to do next?’ is, of course The Truth. In the desperate search for ‘why me?’ and ‘what now?’ many will believe any piece of half-baked, poppycock drivel, served up by well-meaning friends as ‘reliable advice’. And that’s why we set up ‘The Journal of Wishful Thinking’ nearly 30 years ago now. To build up a solid body of scientifically based thinking on what can and has worked, out there in the real world, where our grateful readers, such as my co-author, Dandelion live.

In all the years of publishing ‘The Journal’ (as we affectionately call it) every single piece of information and advice published has been verified as ‘quite possible’ or even ‘fairly likely’ by at least two readers, who are not both in the same room when we ask them what they think. We called this unique method ‘double-blind testing’ and of course it has since been widely adopted as the ‘gold standard’ by the entire pharmaceutical community. Kudos to us there, I’m sure you’ll agree!

So, fast-forward to now and Being Sarah asks for this contribution to her blog. And at first, I don’t mind telling you, dear readers, I was surprised. I had heard of the blog, of course. Who hasn’t? But what I’d heard did not encourage me to want to contribute. I’d heard that Sarah was sceptical, for example, about the effects of positive thinking on curing cancer. And, furthermore, had been downright critical about the known role of cynicism in causing many forms of cancer. But she was as insistent as I’m sure you know she can be, promised me a free-hand in propagating the-truth-as-I-have-found-it-to-be, on here. And I just thought, ‘Well, heck, if I don’t engage with these people, who suffers? The innocent that’s who. Innocent, newly diagnosed women, who desperately need to know the main things we’ve found out, nay, proved, in 30 years of publishing ‘The Journal of  Wishful Thinking’. So here goes:

Number one out of all possible number ones, Believe in the power of positive thinking! Millions are alive today who have simply thought their cancer away. You won’t get the full story from official statistics, of course, because many of these people didn’t even know they’d had cancer. But by living with a permanent and unquestioningly positive attitude, they cured themselves anyway.

Next, we Do know what causes cancer. Attitude. How many diagnosed people do you know who say things like ‘I was tired’ or ‘I was depressed’. Well, what’s that but bad attitude? If only they’d thought on and simply cheered up and thought of nice things, cancer would Never have happened to them. Many cynics and Doubting-Debbies out there, might tell you that top-selling science book ‘The Secret’ is a manual of self-centred greed, aimed at feeble-brained delusionists. But Not So! Every word of it has been proved to be true and the laws of attraction really work. That’s why they’re called Laws! You get what you ask for in this life and some people ask for cancer!

So of course cancer does happen and, we’ve found, many people need it to happen. It’s the wake-up call they’ve been longing for. Not got many friends? Then how about a whole field full of women ‘Racing for the Cure’. Feeling like your life is aimless and pointless? How about a serious killer disease to ‘fight’ and ‘beat’. Nothing peps up the immune system more than a ‘battle with cancer’. Just ask our readers. They’ve proved it!

So, you’re diagnosed, you’re thinking positively, you’ve accepted your own responsibility for causing your cancer and you’re Racing for The Cure. How else have ‘Journal’ readers helped themselves with their ‘battle’ over the years?

Over to Dandelion for some sage advice…

‘Walk anti-clockwise round a willow tree at full moon, holding a phial of menstrual blood, chanting ‘It’s my fault, it’s my fault, but I forgive myself’ Really, try it.

Eat three boxes of blueberries and five heads of broccoli a day, followed by an aura-cleansing at midnight with my magical cure-all crystals. (Said crystals may be purchased for the low price of $19.99 from my website, www.dandelionsweedsofwisdom.com.  100% money-back guarantee that none of the proceeds will be directed to breast cancer research).

On a clear day, listen to Josh Grobin’s tune “You Raise Me Up” at full volume whilst consuming a tonic of essence of three-legged sheep,  moonbeams, and any Amazonian wild herb.  If this doesn’t work, try listening to Celine Dion for a more powerful effect.

Prepare a bath of espresso coffee, crushed grasshoppers and garlic, and marinate oneself for at least twelve hours.  As you marinate use guided imagery to imagine yourself atop a magical pink unicorn that crushes the cancer cells beneath its hooves. (Dandelion’s Disease Control and Other Fun With Guided Imagery can also be purchased from my website for the low price of $49.99).

Undertake a ritual burning of all your worldly possessions, at which you will dance around the fire performing an ancient tribal Haka. Throw yourself at the mercy of the universe and hope for the best.  (Replacement possessions with more positive vibes can be purchased at my website).’

Thanks for those Dand! All scientifically proven, and ‘peer reviewed’, and well worth the value-for-money-contributions you’re offering them for. Way to go, Sister!

So, what else can I offer you? Well it’s a truism, but no less true for that, (see, we’re relentlessly ‘evidence-based’ here!) We Are What We Eat.

And it’s like this. You’re just home from an upsetting day at the Rapid Diagnosis Clinic and in real need of  the right ‘pick me up’ for the occasion. What should it be? Well I know in her case Being Sarah opted for a large glass of Pinot Grigio (yes I did start reading her book, until it got too depressingly negative, even for me). But really, does alcohol help? Of course not. In fact it probably contributed to the diagnosis in the first place. No, what thousands of ‘Journal’ readers over the years have come to swear by in those ‘down-in-the-dumps’ moments, is a warm bath, some scented candles, a quick Rescue Remedy – and a bucket of marsh-mallows, candy, jelly babies, and whatever sweet stuffs you can get your hands on. Stuff them all down and before you know it, the sugar high will get those old positivity muscles working again, and you’ll wonder what you’d been feeling so gloomy about! Trust me.

Hey, but before finishing here, I’d like to get serious for a moment, if you’ll allow. Because over the years many ‘Journal’ readers have asked me about death. ‘Ronaldo’, they say, ‘with all the scientific advances you and the pharmaceutical companies have made over the years, how come so many people still die of cancer? Breast cancer in particular?’ Well, I think we’ve given you some possible clues as to why here, in this post today. But I’m going to be frank with you all now and give you another proven reason why so many women die of breast cancer. Stupidity. There, I’ve said it. Let me explain.

There are, of course, the blatantly stupid who don’t accept all the treatments and drugs they’re offered. While it might seem harsh to say ‘They had it comimg’, they truly did, have it coming. But then there are the the more insidiously stupid. They’ll take all the treatments, but then top them up with so-called ‘supplements’. Well, who’s surprised when the supplements cancel out the effects of the major treatments? Frankly no one. And finally, there are those poor, stupid souls, who get it so nearly right but die anyway. Good, obedient women who do everything their doctors ask of them, but hold back, fatally, on the positivity. Just one more Cook for The Cure, one more Pink Friday might have saved them. But no. Good as the science is and good as the pharmaceuticals are, they’re not enough without the positivity. ‘Ladies! Negativity got you into this’, I say.‘Only positivity can get you out!’ And the good science we’ve done, over all of these years, at ‘The Journal of Wishful Thinking’ has proved this, beyond all reasonable doubt. I rest my case.